The Book of MIKE


VATICAN CITY:  Vatican officials have finally confirmed the 
existence of "The Book of Mike," but are denying any responsibility 
due to its contents.  "The Book of Mike" was reportedly found in a 
remote cave near Mt. Sinai by a jogger and somehow ended up locked 
away for many years in a Vatican dungeon.  

However, after all these years of denial, Vatican officials 
finally acknowledge its existence, even though they refuse to 
disclose its contents.  "It’s very controversial and may confuse 
the devout among us.  It’s better to know it exists than to know 
what it says," said a Vatican spokesman.


The Book of MIKE

Chapter 1 

1.  In the beginning there was an intro, a preface, 
and a 4-door Prelude with anti-lock brakes.
2.  God decided to take a swim and the spirit moved upon the face 
of the waters and needed a shave.
3.  When He bumped his head upon a solid object in the waters, 
God said, "Let there be light!"  And he created halogen.  
4.  But when the light proved to be too bright, he also created 
the dimmer switch ™.
5.  And God called the light ‘bright’ and the darkness ‘a good place 
to sneak around.’  Then He sayeth, "Not bad for a day’s work.  
Someone hand me a Bud Lite."  And He created country music.
6.  But God, not having yet invented man or woman or even the ribs 
thereof, was alone and therefore had to invent self-motivation, and 
He did.  Then He rose up and got his first beer.  But since he was 
still in face of the waters, he had to swim to the fridge, so he 
created dry land to walk upon that divided the waters and saved 
himself having to write a few extra verses.
7.  And it was so.  
8.  And he called the dry land Earth, and it was so-so.
9.  Then He crawled out of the water and called it rather moist.  
Crawling was not fun.  He needed legs to stand upon, so He invented 
evolution to piss-off his followers many centuries hence.  And He 
did walk upon dry land, but it soiled his feet so he invented 
linoleum floors and Birkenstocks.  
10.  During the third day He began to work up an appetite and ordered 
a salad.  But grasses, fruit trees & herb-yielding seeds were not yet 
created, so He invented the salad bar.
11.  As he did eat He sayeth, "This shall be profitable."  And it was 
so good he created plates and bowls and forks and other utensils.  
But he left chopsticks alone until he created the piano.
12.  After creating other lights up in the sky, later to be known as 
stars and planets and asteroids and the Bat Signal, he made a note 
to remind everyone to please refer to the first book of Genesis and 
notice that He created whales and every living creature that moveth 
BEFORE He created man, AKA Adam and Eve.  Then He sayeth, "Now, back 
to The Book of Mike." 
14. Then He skipped the 13th verse and created superstition.
15.  Then He told the animal kingdom to be fruitful and multiply, 
but made a mental note to tell Adam and Eve the same thing, then to 
punish them when they obeyed Him, thus creating irony, confusion and 
dark humor.
16.  And He did just that.  He created the first man, Adam, and from 
him He created woman so that she might have dominion over his seed.  
And it was so much fun, he invented laughter.  
17.  Then he realized six days had passed.  Then he realized there 
were days BEFORE he created the Heaven, also known as the firmament, 
and the Earth and the sun, and even the very notion of motion called 
rotation, and he was stricken with confusion and said to Himself 
privately, because he had not yet created the public address system, 
"I am supposed to know everything.  Why were there days before I 
created the things that enable the days to pass?"  And God invented 
confusion and self-doubt.

Chapter 2

1.  Then He entered the seventh day pondering this, and thus created 
philosophy.  "I AM here, am I not?  I do exist, do I not?  Then He 
pinched Himself and invented masochism before lying down to rest.
2.  When He awoke He felt so replenished with energy, He blessed the 
seventh day, sanctified it, and called it the Sabbath.  Then he 
ordered some coffee and a biscuit while reading all about Himself in 
the morning paper.
3.  "What have I done?" He cried.  "I was just having some fun and 
now I have all this extra responsibility!"  So He went for a Sunday 
drive in the Prelude from the prelude.  And he did think:  From 
whence comes this car?  And who hast been here before Me?
4.  But he forgot about his musings when he noticed how well it 
performed on curves and in commute traffic on his way to the Garden 
of Eden to harass Adam for jerking-off under the tree of knowledge.  
5.  When he got there, Adam was fully dressed in a polyester leisure 
suit and a trendy goatee.  "Where is Eve who hast dominion over thy 
seed?" he asked.  
6.  "She acteth strange, so I sent her away," he sayeth.  She asked 
me to eat of some fruit which was laced with a strange musky odor.  
Nine moons later she walketh up before me, shook her limbs and 
dropped her figs.  Have you invented disposable diapers yet?"  
7.  And God did laugh at the new father.  "How many figs have ye?" 
He asked of Adam.
8.  "She hath bore me 2 sons whom we call Skippy and Chuckie," he 
said unto Him.
9.  And God sayeth, "Why don't you consider something more Biblical? 
And by the way, where are they now as we speaketh?"
10.  "They are just nicknames for Cain & Abel, Sir."  And God 
noticed that He liked being called Sir without making a major 
purchase.  "Skippy keeps the sheep and Chuckie tills the ground."
11.  "Well, I must tell you of my preference for sheep over fruit, 
especially roasted over a slow fire with mint jelly and canned yams," 
he said unto Adam.  
12.  And God invented favoritism and sibling rivalry.
13.  Then God realized He was no longer superstitious so He spoke in 
a 13th verse, but He didn't tell anyone yet because He didn't want 
to curse it.
14.  One day God asked Chuckie "Where is your brother?"  But Chuckie 
did not know, so God accused him of a crime without due process and 
created "The Fugitive" television series.
15.  "Am I my brother’s keeper?" Chuckie implored.  "And who are 
these men to forever condemn me centuries later by word of mouth?  
You know how the truth twists into fiction over the ages!"  
16.  But God heard him not because he was watching "The Fugitive" on 
His new 32 inch Trinitron with surround sound.  Then God, in a fit 
of Holy rage because he hated to have his favorite TV show 
interrupted, threw the remote control at Chuckie and it hit him on 
the head, and he was to forever bear the mark that scarreth his brow.
17.  In spite of being on the run, Chuckie found a wife who bore him 
a fig named Enoch who founded a city with Lego blocks and Lincoln 
18.  Then a whole lotta begatting began for which we have this mess 

Chapter 3 

1.  Then in the days before basic math Adam, who lived for 900 and 
30 years, begat Seth who lived for 99 and 12 years.  And Seth did 
furnish the Earth with a full crate of figs.
2.  And figs cannot be trusted and they begat other figs from giant 
figs and God was furious with his creation.  He decided to destroy 
every living thing that walked or creepeth upon the face of the Earth.
3.  And God said unto Noah, "The way of all flesh is corrupt before 
me and I have chosen to destroy it.  Go ye to Home Depot and 
construct a rather large water craft suitable for man and beast.  
Take ye 2 of every living thing, one male and one female to have 
dominion over his seed into the craft, also take ye yourself and 
your wife and your sons and their wives, and it wouldn't hurt to 
take along a few packets of seeds."
4.  Then God created El Nino and it did rain for 40 days and 40 
nights and the great rains did envelop the Earth with proper postage. 
5.  In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham (who took 
along some canned ham), and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's 
wife, Ms. Noah, and the three wives of his sons with them, into 
the ark with every beast after his kind, every dinosaur after his 
kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing 
that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, including the 
duckbilled platypus, and every fowl after his kind, and every bird 
of every sort, including Tweety Bird and Big Bird and every Muppet.
6.  As the waters increased greatly upon the Earth, the ark did rise 
up upon the waters and float for 40 days and nights.
7.  And every living thing with nostrils upon the dry land died, 
because swimming lessons were too expensive.
8.  The water stayed upon the Earth for 150 days and many bills were 
past due.  Then the water dropped and it did splash.  
9.  And it came to pass after 40 days Noah did open up the french 
double pane window of the ark and sent forth a raven named Maven to 
see if they were Saven.
10.  And he also sent a dove to see if there might be dry land, but 
the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot so she returned with 
corns on her feet.  
11.  And the habitants of the ark did eat.
12.  Then Noah did venture from the ark and found dry land and Noah 
and Ms. Noah and their sons and their wives and all the beasts left 
the ark to the sound of theme music from "The Love Boat" and even 
though they weren't invented yet, a tiny voice came from the sky and 
13.  And the Lord thy God sayeth to Adam "Never again will I smite 
another living thing like Chuckie did many generations before you.  
I now prefer to use endless torture."  And God did laugh.

Chapter 4

1.  And God said unto Noah and his sons, be fruitful and multiply 
and handed each of them a digital abacus.
2.  Then God told Noah and his sons also did hear that they were 
welcome to partake of animal flesh but not human flesh, then Ham 
who was Noah’s son did accidentally see his father drunk and naked 
and Noah made his grandson a servant.  
3.  I guess the moral of the story is how strong drink taketh away 
4.  More begatting occurred and the whole earth was on one language 
until God invented bricks and in an attempt to improve upon the 
stone.  And the people of the earth decided to build a tower to 
reach unto heaven, and when God saw this he was not pleased, so he 
invented bi-lingual education to confound them.
5.  And after that people didn't seem to live as long.  Or maybe 
God finally created counting, or maybe they really figured out how 
to use that digital abacus.

Chapter 5

1.  Abram, son of Terah, took a wife, Sarai and went with his father 
to the land of Canaan.  
2.  Sarai was barren, without child, but fair to look upon.  In fact, 
she was a babe.
3.  And Abram knew the Egyptians would kill him and take her so he 
had her bear false witness saying she was his sister.
4.  The plan worked and they survived.  And for some reason Abram’s 
net worth went way up.
5.  And the Lord God took note of Abrams worldly goods and said unto 
him:  "No man shall enter the gates of Heaven without a lucky 
rabbit’s foot."  And with these words, God created hunting.  

Signed:  Saint Mike 
Founder of "The Temple of Non-Functioning Literates"


Copyright 1998 Mike Welch, All rights reserved

Mike Welch


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